Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being older doesnt mean you have pearls of widsom but spurts of common sense.

   Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.

   I’m not above sitting down in the shower crying.

   I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface.

   You know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her

   I Dream of using this phrase One day "Let's Just Take My Helicopter than"

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch

   If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.

   Did you hear about the cereal Bill Belicheat and "Shady" Brady eat before games? Cheaties!....The breakfast of champions.

   I was lost and yes I did go looking but I did not find you Cyndi Lauper. Glad I didn’t fall.

   If you're always concern about the opinion people have about you. You'll never be happy.

   Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.

   I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.

   I turned out liking you a lot more than I had originally planned.

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks...... If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card

   when idiots do the "Tide pod challenge" & a friend records it, are they POD casting?