Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Angering someone is one thing, but hurting them changes everything.

   Misogynistic? So if he hit the golfball into a GUY's head, that would have been ok.

   The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.

   The orange man tweets a meme of his golf ball hitting Hilary but cries like a lil spoilt brat when Alec Baldwin parody him on SNL. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it.

   I hope that people I've hurt can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Those that hurt me, I hope you're aware of yourself rotting away as the earth reclaims your wretched flesh.

   it safe to take off my eclipse glasses yet?

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.

   Mitch McConnell and donald trump: The new story book version of the tortoise and the hare.

   I swear, what is wrong with people? Supporters are burning their MAGA hat's because Trump did the right thing and protected the dreamers? Wow!

   Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.

   New breakfast cereal called Prosatooties. They don't snap crackle or pop. They just in the bowl and smile at you.

   First it was a wall. Then a fence. Now it's 20,000 boxes propped up with sticks. And a taco under each one.

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled at different rates?

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.