Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 839 of 6446

Which tastes better, Coke or Pepsi? Neither. The answer is Beer.
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02-02-2018 09:56
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My favorite word is "apparently" because it makes any statement sound sarcastic. "He's intelligent. Apparently."
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02-02-2018 08:01
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Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you?
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02-02-2018 04:01
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When my Bank Balance Depresses me, I Look at my Email Spam Folder to check the Nigerian Prince Million Dollars I have been left behind
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02-02-2018 04:01
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I hate it when google starts acting feminine by giving me a suggestion even before I complete my sentence
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02-02-2018 04:00
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I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer”
because when people see a sign that says,
“Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM”
everyone is going to be there.
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02-01-2018 14:30 by Mike
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I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car
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02-01-2018 13:52 by troy
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Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
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02-01-2018 13:51 by troy
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If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too
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02-01-2018 13:50 by troy
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Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?
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02-01-2018 09:06
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We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.
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02-01-2018 05:56
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My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.
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02-01-2018 04:16
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Girl - "Can I see your phone?" Boy - "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>
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02-01-2018 03:52
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What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?
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02-01-2018 03:52
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I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment
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02-01-2018 03:51
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Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.
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01-31-2018 23:31
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Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.
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01-31-2018 22:34 by gil
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Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!
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01-31-2018 19:02
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Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today
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01-31-2018 13:26
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The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"
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01-31-2018 10:20
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