Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 839 of 6452

When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.
←Rate |
02-14-2018 19:20 by Jake
Comments (0)

Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.
←Rate |
02-14-2018 19:02
Comments (0)

I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.
←Rate |
02-14-2018 16:45 by MDS
Comments (0)

I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....
←Rate |
02-14-2018 16:40 by MDS
Comments (0)

Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.
←Rate |
02-14-2018 14:03
Comments (1)

Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.
←Rate |
02-14-2018 06:11
Comments (0)

I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius
←Rate |
02-14-2018 03:55
Comments (0)

Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust.

I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.

If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?
←Rate |
02-13-2018 16:18 by Jake
Comments (0)

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
←Rate |
02-13-2018 13:13
Comments (0)

Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU
←Rate |
02-13-2018 12:24 by Vic
Comments (0)

I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.
←Rate |
02-13-2018 10:57
Comments (0)

It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year
←Rate |
02-13-2018 07:41 by MDS
Comments (0)

"We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team

My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.
←Rate |
02-13-2018 07:05
Comments (0)

Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
←Rate |
02-13-2018 06:56
Comments (0)

I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late and all the good choices are already taken.
←Rate |
02-13-2018 06:52
Comments (0)

Can't wait till Feb 15th.........otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate/Cake day
←Rate |
02-13-2018 03:14
Comments (0)