Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've kicked Stormy Daniels out of bed more times than I can remember.

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....

   Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.

   Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius

   Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust.

   I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

   People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

   Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   "We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team

   My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.