Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   Now I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   Grandkids just watched Cujo for the first time. Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later?

   You could have done so much better than him.” Me: Mom, hello I'm right here..

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

   My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite. Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks. And now the cops are here…..

   If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.

   Rapey McForehead gave Trump one vote for Speaker of the House. Trump called the clerk and said, "I just need you to find me 217 more votes."

   It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Joe B is an example.