Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 825 of 6446

Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.
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02-26-2018 14:42
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Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed
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02-26-2018 14:39
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Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.
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02-26-2018 14:36
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Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic
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02-26-2018 14:31
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People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa
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02-26-2018 14:24
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Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more
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02-26-2018 14:23
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Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?
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02-26-2018 14:20
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Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern
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02-26-2018 14:14
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My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase
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02-26-2018 14:12
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The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
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02-26-2018 14:10 by markf
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All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"
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02-26-2018 14:05
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Just found on youtube the deleted scene from Sound of Music where the kids keep sneaking back downstairs to the party after being sent to bed
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02-26-2018 14:04
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My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

Being single is like "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (...Wow, thanks. I feel so special!)
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02-26-2018 09:09
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If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.
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02-26-2018 06:58
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I have a terrible fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
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02-26-2018 06:51
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The best way to make your kids understand the whole idea of paying taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream
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02-26-2018 04:55
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Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new picture for my facebook profile.
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02-26-2018 04:55
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I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway
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02-26-2018 04:55
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