Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.

   Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic

   People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa

   Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more

   Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?

   Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

   Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern

   My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"

   Just found on youtube the deleted scene from Sound of Music where the kids keep sneaking back downstairs to the party after being sent to bed

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

   Being single is like "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (...Wow, thanks. I feel so special!)

   If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

   I have a terrible fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

   The best way to make your kids understand the whole idea of paying taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new picture for my facebook profile.

   I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway