Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 13:56 by Justathought Comments (3)  


   messageicon A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 11:50 by @kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 11:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 07:23 Comments (2)  


   messageicon It must be awkward when GPS tells gay people to go straight
←Rate | 02-27-2018 03:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon i think we due a bad spell of wether
←Rate | 02-27-2018 03:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 03:09 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 00:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 23:15 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 23:09 by Jake Comments (3)  


   messageicon After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 17:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:42 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:36 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:23 Comments (0)  




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