Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.

   Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?

   Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.

   I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.

   my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.

   What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

   I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.

   [Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...

   if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   The first rule of Might Club is maybe.

   Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   Relationship status: Would get in the van