Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   It must be awkward when GPS tells gay people to go straight

   i think we due a bad spell of wether

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically

   Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.

   Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic

   People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa

   Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more

   Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?

   Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

   Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern