Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs

   Come to think of it I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 30 years now, that is 10,950 sit-ups and not even ONE ab to show for it

   finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   Can I take my emotional support horse on a plane?

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."

   We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.

   "That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." ...Said no one ever.

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.

   The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues

   If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.

   A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.

   At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.