Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hillary is now on reason #549 why she lost the election.

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   I wanted a Garcia why Vega but couldn't afford it so I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown grocery bag paper. It was close, but no cigar.

   if the brown delivery truck is UPS,why doesnt FEDEX change their name to DOWNS since they are their opposing company?

   I had to tell my kids Stormy Daniels was a scientist because our country is ridiculous.

   I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.

   Weekends are for losers who can tell a difference from one day to the next.

   I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any.

   Hold my jean jacket. Someone just insulted Savage Garden.

   How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?

   Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans

   How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.