Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.

   I am visualizing a world of peace and harmony that has never known conflict. And I am visualizing us completely dominating that world.

   When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians

   Looking for meaningless likes and retweets? Post something about candy corn.

   Not sure how many trick-or-treaters we will get, so better buy 400x more than I expect.

   I thought it was PMS, but apparently wild mood swings and mango cravings are just part of who she is

   When your leg twitches while you sleep that is your skeleton trying to escape because you are vulnerable

   I'm on my third round of candy that we are not eating before Halloween.

   The irony is overwhelming. The "LOCK HER UP" guy is getting his ass locked up. Hahaha!

   When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.

   How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie

   Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.

   Players of the Houston Texans football team took a knee during the national anthem Sunday. That...is...awesome!

   White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?

   I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.

   I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.

   Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?

   Does anyone know a good Russian accountant? I need their help on tax evasion.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.