Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.

   And then my moral compass passed out.

   I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

   Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?

   In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan

   How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.

   What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir

   My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling

   The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.

   My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.

   Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.

   My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast

   If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged.

   I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds