Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star

   I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   If I dumped a can of green beans on the ground, I'm pretty sure my kid would eat every one of them...

   When my time comes, I’m going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you're first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."

   I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   One driverless car killed a pedestrian today. Meanwhile, 73 human drivers killed pedestrians today...

   My dentist switched me to this new sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying

   My wife is so bad at housekeeping, that our dog buries his bones in our carpet.

   The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.

   I could replace my teenage daughter with a honey badger and nobody would notice the difference.

   The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.

   Trump: I was surprised to see they have a picture of me at the art gallery. Pence: Sir, that was a mirrow.

   How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly

   My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.

   Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire

   If you want to know how we found out stuff before we had the internet then just google it.

   Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.