Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 817 of 6383
I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car
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11-06-2017 15:24 by FastPhil
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I ate too much salad over the weekend so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.
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11-06-2017 08:58 by djjackson
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No, I don’t want a sex robot. I have my wife for that.
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11-06-2017 01:39
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*takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog?
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11-06-2017 01:38
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So where am I supposed to put my rage when I’m driving?
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11-06-2017 01:35
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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11-06-2017 01:32
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When I see you in hell I'll still ignore you
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11-06-2017 01:26
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I'd wait in line to slap you for waiting in line for the new iPhone.
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11-06-2017 01:25
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Look at that! I'm too late, perfect timing.
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11-06-2017 01:23
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ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four
I'm glad I grew up in an era where "active shooter" wasn't even an idea. I'm sad for today's youth where this is now a reality.
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11-05-2017 21:32
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Trump just told the prime minister of Japan why a country of samurai warriors did not shoot down the N. Korea missiles. This is better than any reality show, LOL!
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11-05-2017 17:40
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No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!
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11-05-2017 09:17
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"I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC
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11-05-2017 07:36
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Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January
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11-05-2017 07:06
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My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.
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11-05-2017 06:26
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The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
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11-05-2017 06:23
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Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president
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11-05-2017 05:15
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Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.
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11-05-2017 00:56
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Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair