Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had all kinds of plans for today but then I heard Rump Shaker on the radio and now all I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.

   *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during doggy style*

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.

   Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's called practice.

   I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   That was terrible. For next year's INTERNATIONAL Women's Day, you should only tweet if you have at least TWO citizenships

   I'm impressed. Someone went to a lot of trouble to turn this Waffle House into a Waffle Home.

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I went to ninja school once but the teacher never showed up

   Eating kale as a snack has several benefits, including no one will ever try to steal your snacks

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Driving a gray car in the winter is putting a lot of faith in your fellow drivers on the road.

   I am about to order a Code Red and one of my kids is going to be surprised that he is Private Santiago

   OK I get it, two wrongs don't make a right. But what are talking here? 500? 600? I am almost to 600.

   According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?

   You know how people duck when they walk under helicopter blades? I don't.

   Chameleon cashiers give the best change

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.