Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can take the New Yorker out of New York, but you can't take the New York out of the New Yorker.

   Turtles are lucky because they come with their own nap forts.

   Now that Steven Hawking is gone, who will do the emergency alert broadcasts on the radio?

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Cake are square.

   pi day & hump day....it must be "Jason Biggs day"

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   Stephen Hawking has died. Now he will have to face the God he said does not exist.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it’s not beauty.

   It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

   I didn't fight in the Cold War just so we can be friends with Russia!

   It's so strange that whenever the News sources predict this months ago, the GOP and Russian sympathisers call it "Fake News". I'm starting to see a pattern

   Hillary is now on reason #549 why she lost the election.

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   I wanted a Garcia why Vega but couldn't afford it so I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown grocery bag paper. It was close, but no cigar.

   if the brown delivery truck is UPS,why doesnt FEDEX change their name to DOWNS since they are their opposing company?

   I had to tell my kids Stormy Daniels was a scientist because our country is ridiculous.

   I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.