Baddie Funny Status Messages

   KEEP CALM. There is enough pu$$y in the world for everyone, even for lesbians too.

   Getting your girlfriend to agree to try an@l is NOT made any easier when you tell her how willing your last girlfriend was.

   unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.

   A ‘bad' woman is exciting and she's the kind of woman a man never gets tired of being around.

   Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"

   I often carry a knife round in my pocket, when on days out with the family in the summer. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.

   The Wife has just just had her teeth whitened, although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

   Oh, you have read every Harry Potter book? That's cool. So how long have you been single?

   H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.

   Husband: "Honey, has the postman come yet?" Wife: "No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard."

   If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me a jerk, I'd buy an iPad.

   I've given up begging my girlfriend to swallow. From now on, she can deal with her anorexia on her own.

   When Kim heard Lamar got cut by the Mavs she probably texted Khloe the number of her divorce lawyer