Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi.

   Where do I sign to get micro-chipped and controlled by the government, I'm tired of making my own decisions

   Have they released any official figures yet on how many lives were saved by taping arrows on the floors of supermarket aisles?

   If your main concern is what pronouns people call you, then you are one of the most privileged people in the world.

   I agree with my orange messiah. Terminate the constitution!

   Does anyone know when walmart is sending out the W2's, I've been doing "self checkout" all year Long!!!!!

   I'm skipping the house-building stage, saving time and effort. I'm just gonna eat all the gingerbread and frosting first. Yum!

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.

   Can’t believe we don’t have world peace after changing the name on pancake boxes and syrup bottles

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Joke telling advice: If you tell a joke and nobody laughs, you're not going to improve the situation by yelling, "Ha! Ha! Ya get it?!!"

   Spilling is the equivalent

   How did we miss the opportunity to call "bleaching your butthole" "changing your ring tone"?

   OK... A GUY WHO ACTS LIKE HE'S SLASH ON STAGE BUT HE'S NOT VERY GOOD SO I CALLED HIM BACK SLASH ... AND I'M AN A$$HOLE ..

   My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers

   In my house I'm the main boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   Tomorrow is December 1st.... The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning now till Christmas Eve!

   I just returned from a Christmas concert put on by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.

   Need Help with this one!! If I bought a balloon 5 years ago for $1, how much could I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?