Funny Status Messages

   every girl like to be swept of her feet,.... its when you put her in the trunk that she freaks out.

   I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.

   How TF is Easter, April Fools, and Rent Due all on the same day?!

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   After all the "Stormy" there's some "Sunshine" in the white house

   Caroline Sunshine went from one mickey mouse organiation to another one.

   A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.

   Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly

   Fun fact: If you cut off all the hair on your body and laid it end to end...You'd be some kind of weirdo.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"

   Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   This might be the first time in history a husband can justify porn in his browser history. Thanks, Trump!

   Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss

   Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter.