Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want, they send me a text message with my Account balance. I do however think that adding "LOL" at the end of the message is really unnecessary

   I can't believe I'm still having nightmares about Sharknado.

   My wife could not deside who to marry me or another guy who proposed to her. So she tossed a coin. I lost.

   After 10 years of marriage my wife finally made me happy in the bedroom. She put in a 42'' tv a min fridge full of beer and she sleeps in the spare bedroom.

   My love life is terrible. The last woman I was inside of was the statue of liberty.

   if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button

   If you are surprised that Facebook may be selling your data then you are the reason hairdryers come with the warning, "Do not use in shower"

   > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn

   have you ever quit alcohol to save money then realised that alcohol money cannot be saved because if you're not drinking it, it doesn't exist?

   At the bar, someone asked me "what's my angle". I told her "about 30 degrees".

   The Age of Men is over. The Time of the self-killing cars has come!

   Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?

   Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound

   A chef these days is someone who constantly yells and swears at you in the kitchen.

   If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it