Funny Status Messages

   I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.

   What if April 2 is April Fool's Day and we've been April Fooled all this time?

   "don't put all your eggs in one basket" .....good thing we use store bags

   Ghosts be like "I'm evil, I've been here for hundreds of years and you should be terrified. And the best example of my fearsome power will be to close this door a little bit."

   I have a night light in my room because it makes me feel safe. Nothing scares a monster more than a low wattage light bulb shaped like a Donald Duck.

   The busiest person at the White House is whoever has to update the office contact list.

   Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

   I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   A relationship is doomed from the beginning, when all you bring to the table is your private parts.

   My labrador Retriver chewed up my TV remote controll. Now every time he farts the TV turns off.

   I'm a bird watcher. But when I go bird watching it seem to makes the men unconfortable in the men room

   The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?

   my ex was so obsessed with her horoscope. its what Taurus apart.

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.

   my credit is so bad, they stopped giving me gift cards.