Funny Status Messages

   I really loved that Stormy Daniels interview on 60 minutes. Best 60 minute of my life!

   I'm looking for a woman who'll love me for my money but is really bad at math

   I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .

   Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.

   They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.

   This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

   Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   A Pop Tart is really just a dessert Hot Pocket...

   Fun Fact: The 2nd amendment is why we have the other 26 amendments

   A sheep spends it's entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.

   Looks like the first amendment is more powerful than the second.

   I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.

   I don't get women. My wife said she bought this lingerie for me, but then got boiling angry when I put it on.

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   I just downloaded the McDonald's app to my phone because I can't stand waiting for my food for 2 whole minutes

   Maybe I should start setting my alarm for 11:00 PM because that is the sound that makes me go to sleep

   Yeah ok a bug hit your windshield but did you ever think how this story is told among his family?

   The next gen iPhone has new Pay By View so you just look at what you want and pay, and sorry but I just bought your car.

   This Frito-Lay truck has a sign on back saying DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH and joke's on them. I am not interested in cash.