Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   She just needs a shot of vitamin D.

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   When I look at you, I can hear music.

   I can't believe it's been 5 years since the world ended in 2012

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn't let you skip

   If you do the hokey pokey & turn yourself around, does that make you the bottom?

   I just put (3) Bit-coins in the car wash and got a 30K wash. :(

   The population of the USA 323.1 million, CNN Fake News watchers 1.72 million. 99% stand with Trump, unless you’re an idiot.

   Everyone, get your time in the gym now before the end of the yr.. it gets packed for 2 months from those "New yr, New me" ppl... then they give up after 2 months

   By useing earbuds it gave me alot of practice to un-tangling a string of Christmas lights

   Kennedy put a man on the moon, Obama put a man in the ladies room.

   I've been invited to a neighbour's house later for drinks with nibbles!...they treat that bloody cat like Royalty?

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   I'm only 27 stomach flus away from my goal weight.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   Rosie O’Donnell Announced she would not be wearing Ivanka Trump clothing brand. Don’t worry Rosie. They don’t come in your size anyways.

   I can't wait for the next Women's March. Off a cliff...

   This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.