Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 803 of 6383
Getting Christmas gifts for my kids gets harder as they get older, mostly because I can't remember where I hid them.
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12-13-2017 09:38
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I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard
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12-13-2017 09:34 by markf
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Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
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12-13-2017 04:48
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Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over
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12-13-2017 04:48
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Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Pokemon. Yes, I'm an underachiever.
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12-12-2017 07:18
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If one of Santa Claus's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
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12-12-2017 07:07
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Russia’s been barred from the 2018 Winter Olympics. No word yet on whether they’ll be barred from the 2018 U.S. elections.
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12-12-2017 07:00
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Why, when you suddenly start coughing your head off, do people say "Are you alright?" Hell no I'm not alright! If I was, I wouldn't be coughing like this. Duh.
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12-12-2017 06:59
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If you have a nap just after the previous nap, is it a post nap or a whole new nap?
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12-12-2017 01:54
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I’m a go getter And right now I’m a go getter nap
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12-12-2017 01:53
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I hate it when I come across a couple urging in public but I missed the start and now don't know whose side I'm on.
When one door opens, just hope that it’s the fridge and someone is about to bring you a beer.
I just found out Sarah Huckabee is married. I guess there's a lot of pathetic desperate guys out there. Yikes!
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12-11-2017 19:04
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When it feels like your moral compass always points south.
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12-11-2017 14:08
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If you can’t decide between two things, toss a coin. Not because it will decide for you, but in that brief moment it’s flipping in the air, you will realize what you really wish for.
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12-11-2017 07:15
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My great-grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.
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12-11-2017 07:05
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Never treat someone like an iPhone6s if they treat you like a Nokia 3310
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12-11-2017 04:55
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Million dollar idea: Uber but for gift wrapping. That way my wife wouldn't think an epileptic monkey on crack wrapped her gift.
I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
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12-11-2017 04:37 by huck
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