Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You kiss the end, then seductively lick the length without breaking eye contact as you place it in your mouth. I love the way you eat bacon.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   Ever wake up, look in the mirror, and wonder why Courtney Love is in your bathroom?

   Pizza grease is my essential oil.

   I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you.

   I was promised a bigger paycheck! Not in size!!!!!

   It is true, welfare checks are now 1/8 an inch bigger.

   First time I’ve been up early for Saturday morning cartoons in awhile.

   I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔

   I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!

   "I'm building a wall around New Mexico too! I don't need any New Mexicans when I'm still trying to get rid of the old ones" - Donald Trump

   Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.

   Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...

   Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.

   Can someone please play with my flux capacitor already?

   A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet

   Fun fact: Cops do not like to be told “You’re not the boss of me.”

   My virginity was protected for a long time by a force field or awkwardness.

   A non-smoker told me that with all the cigarette packs I bought, I could have bought a Ferrari with that money. My reply to him was "Where's your Ferrari?".