santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I feel confidence they're going to be able to hammer out a stimulus deal by Christmas.....of 2021

   Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

   Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu

   My Sons Teacher: December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to make a Christmas Star

   Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.

   “I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole” -Families making Christmas plans in 2020

   My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

   He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

   its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.

   All I want for Christmas is a stimulus check.

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please