sean Funny Status Messages

   The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   "Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my wife to start a conversation.

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   "It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.

   If I ever die I want to be buried in my refrigerator in case I wake up and want pudding.

   Apparently sticking gum in a girl's hair no longer counts as flirting.

   My biggest fear is that some day my wife will find all the ice cubes I've kicked under the fridge.

   Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."

   Told my son, If you hit a game-ending home run it just seems polite to go ahead and pick up the bases as you go around.

   I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.

   You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 4 things wrong at once

   Just layed on my horn for 39 seconds at the slow driver in front of me before realizing he was the last car of a funeral procession.

   Canadians aren't as polite as everyone thinks. In fact they're pretty gangster. Today, for instance, I witnessed a drive-by apology.

   Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?