huck Funny Status Messages

   I don't talk to myself. My dog is generally around.

   The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking

   Boss: So, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty Boss: I don't think that's a weakness Me: I don't really care what you think.

   Saw a guy in a trucker hat, with a handle bar moustache, wearing a bowtie, carrying a stack of records with an iguana on his shoulder walking down the street. Didn't think it was possible to OD on hipster

   Fun thing to do #47 When you see someone on one knee tying their shoe stand in front of them and say "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES"

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog

   Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   I'm a revengetarian. Yeah, strictly vengeance-based diet. It's a lot of waiting around for livestock to be jerks to me