Snotty Funny Status Messages

   A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us

   Dr: "How would you say your diet is going?" Me: ... *sneezes and a Skittle come out* "Ummm, Pretty well."

   All I'm say'n, Is in the past thirty years, the baby to dingo ratio has gotten severely out of hand.

   Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?

   Leia walks into the bedroom to find Han staring at himself in the mirror,, holding bagels over his ears.

   *Sees a truck: Nice... *Sees a trucker: Oh, impressive... *Sees a truckest: Ah yes,, This is what I came for.

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY

   [Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**