Baddie Funny Status Messages

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.

   Alright ISIS, Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. You can stop now.

   WoW! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!

   Sorry I photobombed your selfie, but I needed an alibi.

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

   Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding there's no pizza.

   Oh you think you have it bad? In my day you didn't see the other persons genitals until after you actually met them.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a hole, wondering if I might find glory on the other side.

   A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

   I'm worried for my friend. He hasn't shared a blog article about the secret to happiness in weeks.

   With gas prices at what 5 bucks a gallon? It's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere.

   There have been more Taken sequels than Americans that have died from Ebola, if you wanted to know about the real epidemic.

   I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.

   You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)