SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said, "Let's go get a bucket of parrot."

   Tattoos are bumper stickers for the soul.

   The stuff I never tell anyone is so much more awesome than the stuff I tell everyone.

   Best Catch At The Home Run Derby Of All Time! Dude jumps from a ledge that's a few feet above a pool that's in right field, catches the ball, and lands in the pool! WINNING!

   I joke around a lot .... but when I'm serious I'm serious cuz seriousness is the serious way to deal with serious seriosities seriositating in the seriousosphere. Seriously.

   When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.

   Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

   The two words that get me in the most trouble are "Why Not?"

   Everyone has the one mysterious toothbrush in the bathroom that nobody in your house uses or knows anything about.

   When you text someone "are you still sleeping" you might as well text "wake up a$$hole."

   I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.

   In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.

   Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.

   When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.

   My brain returns to its default settings every ten minutes.

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...

   "Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!