Baddie Funny Status Messages

   When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   I wish I had a nickel for every time I wanted to sell weed.

   I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.

   A day without love, sex or booze is just another day closer to death.

   A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste…

   Fellaz: Be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get pu$$y.

   Never judge a girls body from a picture of her face.

   5 missed calls from your girlfriend means you have missed a good night. 5 missed calls from your wife means....that you are screwed!

   If you think holding in a fart is difficult, try holding in an ethnic joke that JUST crosses the line.

   People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.

   What's the most sensitive part of your body while m@sturbating? Your ears because you're listening for footsteps ... in case someone walks in on you.

   WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don't. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?

   I think it's safe to assume that Nick Stahl is dead from an overdose and his body is probably out in the Nevada desert laying against a Joshua tree by now....I mean his character from Terminator wasn't too put together either.

   Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   Yesterday I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

   I've dedicated my life to getting under age prostitutes off the streets. For an hour or so usually.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.