Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   "Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.

   When you see Olivia Munn in a movie trailer, you can almost hear a toilet flushing in your mind.

   Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.

   My biggest problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

   I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in

   I'm at my highest dad level when I see a toddler stroking a cat in the wrong direction.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   You know a restaurant must be serving bad food when you see a mouse throwing up in the restroom.

   I can stop seeing my therapist now and just spend more time at Target reading the advice on the throw pillows

   My R&B playlist is dangerous. It almost guarantees pregnancy

   If you're pausing for dramatic effect.... just keep it going

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find some women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".