Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.

   I turned out liking you a lot more than I had originally planned.

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks...... If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card

   when idiots do the "Tide pod challenge" & a friend records it, are they POD casting?

   Gym selfie challenge: Stop taking them. Seriously nobody cares that much about your workout.

   How do nudist clean their glasses?

   If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.

   The government reopened everyone hide your drugs

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   Don't trust people who speak too fast. Trust me on this.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.

   Don’t be so quick to judge Donald Trump’s weight. I just found out he was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s surrogate.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!"

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.

   Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.