Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As much as noise as this smoke detector makes, I think I would prefer to wake up on fire

   Now Kim Kardashian asks Trump to pardon her drug dealing grandmother. There is indeed method to Kanye West's madness.

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   Kanye West is a genius? In other worthless news, I am also a genius in the eyes of my dogs and cats.

   I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.

   People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.

   I got kicked out of the boy scouts for eating a browine

   Score steam: The steam on a lucky teenage boy's car windows

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   If at frist you don't succeed........ Read the instructions

   I like how Reese's come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim has kids, but deep down he knows Beyonce has the best kids of all time.

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at Old Navy right now.

   Confusion: Father's day in the ghetto

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   Well, Kanye West did marry into the Kardashian’s so you can just imagine the levels of stupidity in that house

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Life is short..... Unless you're married