Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

   Are you bored and broke? Do you have 40 spare hours to fill every week ? Would you like to earn thousands of dollars a month? Then get a job like the rest of us you bumb.

   The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   I keep staring into the sky and I still cannot figure out which cloud has all my data.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   Whenever I am feeling good about myself I call my wife to take it down a notch

   My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.

   Star Wars day. May the 4th be with you all.

   There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.

   A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.

   A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale

   I went to the zoo today and saw the elephants . . . but I don't want to TALK about it!

   Who knew that you get sex with a porn star on layaway

   As much as noise as this smoke detector makes, I think I would prefer to wake up on fire