Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   I keep staring into the sky and I still cannot figure out which cloud has all my data.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   Whenever I am feeling good about myself I call my wife to take it down a notch

   My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.

   Star Wars day. May the 4th be with you all.

   There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.

   A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.

   A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale

   I went to the zoo today and saw the elephants . . . but I don't want to TALK about it!

   Who knew that you get sex with a porn star on layaway

   As much as noise as this smoke detector makes, I think I would prefer to wake up on fire

   Now Kim Kardashian asks Trump to pardon her drug dealing grandmother. There is indeed method to Kanye West's madness.

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   Kanye West is a genius? In other worthless news, I am also a genius in the eyes of my dogs and cats.