Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
←Rate | 05-05-2018 07:14 Comments (1)  


   messageicon We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus
←Rate | 05-04-2018 22:12 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty
←Rate | 05-04-2018 17:59 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are you bored and broke? Do you have 40 spare hours to fill every week ? Would you like to earn thousands of dollars a month? Then get a job like the rest of us you bumb.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 16:11 by Jake Comments (5)  


   messageicon The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 14:32 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 10:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I keep staring into the sky and I still cannot figure out which cloud has all my data.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 09:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 09:01 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 08:36 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I am feeling good about myself I call my wife to take it down a notch
←Rate | 05-04-2018 08:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 08:23 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Star Wars day. May the 4th be with you all.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 01:50 Comments (1)  


   messageicon There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.
←Rate | 05-03-2018 17:28 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.
←Rate | 05-03-2018 16:35 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant
←Rate | 05-03-2018 16:31 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him
←Rate | 05-03-2018 16:28 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.
←Rate | 05-03-2018 16:24 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale
←Rate | 05-03-2018 16:20 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to the zoo today and saw the elephants . . . but I don't want to TALK about it!
←Rate | 05-03-2018 15:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who knew that you get sex with a porn star on layaway
←Rate | 05-03-2018 13:57 Comments (0)  




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