Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.

   Politicians are like prostitutes; they get paid to pretend they like people while they are screwing them.

   I'm not a player, I just tuck a lot. ~Transvestites

   My last relationship ended when she asked me to take out the trash and I said, ok… where do you want to go?

   No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.

   Libertarians keep Republicans out of your bedroom and Democrats out of your wallet.

   Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   There's something about you I don't like, but I can't seem to put my middle finger on it.

   At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best.

   "Mirror, mirror on the the wall, who's the most expressionless one of them all?" --how I imagine this Kristen Stewart Snow White movie going

   Don't judge a book by its cover but you can judge a girl by the quality of her baby toe.

   I walked past a car filled with Mexican teens and they locked all the doors. I was feeling like a bad ass until I realized, it was my damn car.

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   My gangsta lean is just scoliosis.

   Apparently I offended a midget with one of my jokes. I told him to grow up.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   Tiger Woods has gotten so bad that bl@ck people are starting to acknowledge his other nationalities.

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.