Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."

   DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE

   The second hand on my watch broke so I went and got a new one at, (you guessed it...) a secondhand store. While I was there I also bought a box of cigars, so this evening I'm enjoying secondhand smoke.

   I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

   My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.

   Justin Trudeau should have asked Donald Trump what year the War of 1812 took place.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.

   Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.

   Sorry I robbed a bank, stole a car and snorted cocaine officer, it was the Ambien.

   I love your enthusiasm, so I’m going to loosen your restraints.

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways.

   I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.

   What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?