Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”

   Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge

   I identify as being "rich", but when the check comes, I'm identified as "not being so".

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   In a society with more dumb people than smart, democracy becomes a serious problem.

   Will there soon be a trump beach hotel in North Korea

   Ladies, you can tell that your boyfriend really likes you when he removes the dirty dishes from the kitchen sink before peeing in it.

   My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'!

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   The National Animal Research Center just completed a Study as to why squirrels run under cars..Turns out they are the Married ones...

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.

   There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”