Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.

   Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.

   You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?

   If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?

   I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth

   Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"

   My wife as not spoke to me for the past three days since our fight. That saying silence is golden is so true.

   Everybody thinks its so great that Michelangelo painted the chapel ceiling on his back but nobody talks about how long his arms were

   Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss

   I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly

   Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"

   If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too

   Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.

   My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.

   Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.

   I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.