SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."

   Most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

   Swords would be a lot less cool if we pronounced the "w."

   Hey, I'm tweeting from inside a car wash! I wonder if my phone will still work if I roll down the win

   Attention guy walking two feet behind me down the entire block even though we're the only people on this street: I will stab you in 10 feet.

   Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.

   I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.

   Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.

   There needs to be more "damn it I missed my exit" exits.

   Why do I feel like the garbage can in my house is a game of Jenga & nobody told me we were playing??

   The thermostat outside ran out of numbers and is just showing a picture of Halle Berry. THAT'S how hot it is outside.

   There's too much emphasis put on winning in life. I'm just trying for a participation ribbon.

   All I heard was, "I swear it'll be funny"... Then we were in jail.

   In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words.

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   Most cocaine addicts don't even like cocaine, they just use it as an excuse to put dollar bills up their nose.

   - If Washington raises the debt limit, they should buy every American a Bud Light and charge it to China.

   Last night I found an unopened can of warm Bud Light on the floor of a cab. I'll answer your question with a question. Did I have a choice?

   I advise you not to mess with me.. I know karate, kung fu, taekwondo, judo, jujitsu, and 47 other dangerous words.

   Ever get the feeling you're living in a snowglobe someone won't stop shaking?