Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I hate when my girlfriend lets something silly like a restraining order get in between us.

   Her: "Did you download the new Justin Bieber album?" Me: "No...I've got a horrible case of good taste in music."

   Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.

   I'm not even really looking for a sex partner, just a sex collaborator would be nice.

   Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   A good woman can make you feel macho, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry… that's vodka… vodka does that.

   I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"

   Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   The older you get, the better you are at doing, but the worse you look doing it.

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries.

   My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.

   Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?

   There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in, "Everyone in this office is an idiot and I work better by myself."

   The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.