BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Go deep throat a cactus.

   It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.

   There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

   Time I spend listening to music - 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones - 17 minutes

   I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   My ex left me for some balding, over-weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.

   Ghetto counting: 1) Wahh. 2) Two. 3) Three. 4) Foe. 5) Fieee. 6) Sih. 7) Selm. 8) Ate. 9) Naa. 10) Teh. 11) Lem. 12) Twehh.

   Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.

   I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!

   When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...

   People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.

   Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

   At least your tax dollars are helping the secret service get laid.

   The reason we give kids middle names is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   shout out to all of the crips that's stopped at a red light right now.

   I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.

   The only Happy END that I know it's the weekEND