Funny Status Messages

   Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.

   Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?

   Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie

   I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO

   Where do babies like to go for lunch....... Hooters

   I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don't take me jogging with you today"?

   How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty.

   It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.

   Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.

   When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand.

   What type of car does an electrician drive........ A Volts-wagon.

   Canadian sex is like American sex but with more apologizing and less guns.

   . When Chewbacca needs to go does he use a toilet, or dose Han Solo take him for a walk?

   One of Kim's buddies called Pence a dummy, so Trump cancelled the meeting. Not making that up. That literally happened. This is middle school-level drama.

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.

   Florida and Texas send out a zombie alert to residents.

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.