Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An ambien walks into a Barr.

   Breaking: President Trump to meet and discuss foreign policy with the cash me outside girl

   I would give a billon dollars to hear the audio of Donald Trump & Kim Kardashian attempting to have a policy discussion about prison reform.

   I know how to save 'Roseanne'. Name it 'Dan'.

   I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone....

   Starbucks is now a PC corporate homeless shelter!

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   All women are Bi. It’s your job to guess whether it’s sexual or polar.

   . There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis

   You know you're getting old when kids table now contains alcohol.

   Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?

   Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.

   Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.

   I don't know what I ever signed up for facebook, I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

   I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.

   I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.

   I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   Happy birthday J.F.K. 5/29/1917

   I like to stop the microwave with one second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.