Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

   Can of Crisco $3.95 Body pillow $12.95 Box of condoms $9.95 Look on cashier's face...... Priceless.

   How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.

   Facebook became unpopular with teens the same day it became popular with their parents and grandparents.

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."

   If Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un break up again Taylor Swift’s gonna write a song about it.

   How to make your own holy water. Step1 take a 2qt pot and fill with water. Step 2 place on burner. Step 3 turn burner on high. Step 4 boil the hell out of the water.

   Remember that old phone commercial "Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Reach out, reach out and just say hi. " I always wondered if they could of reach out and touched that someone, why would they of needed a phone to call them?

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.

   Kim Kardashian in the White House is, Kim Thong Un.

   Looking forward to the nuclear disarmament talks with Justin Bieber next month.

   Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)

   so what's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   Being awake is stupid, nothing good ever comes of it.