Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 763 of 6383
Wonder if D was told the brain was an app, he start using it.
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02-25-2018 00:53 by 25the45
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I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.
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02-24-2018 23:34 by Jake
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What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
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02-24-2018 23:33
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After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.
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02-24-2018 22:55 by Jake
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My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.
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02-24-2018 22:17 by Jake
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Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.
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02-24-2018 22:09 by Jake
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Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
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02-24-2018 07:16
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Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.
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02-24-2018 07:15
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The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
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02-24-2018 06:15
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Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!
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02-24-2018 05:42
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Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets
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02-24-2018 05:41
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I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart
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02-24-2018 05:40
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I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.
I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class
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02-23-2018 15:53 by markf
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Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like
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02-23-2018 15:33
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Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid
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02-23-2018 15:30
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I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there
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02-23-2018 15:27
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If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning
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02-23-2018 15:25
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All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
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02-23-2018 14:11
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Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.
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02-23-2018 13:53
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