Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friends are like farts, the loudest ones always have the least substance.

   Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Face off was probably the worst movie we watched as kids. Imagine believing Nicolas Cage’s wrist size face could fit on John Travolta’s massive head.

   I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.

   If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

   Someone says I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)

   🎵Two bros, sittin' in the hot tub, 5 feet apart 'cause they're not gay!🎵

   A man of few words is a married man.

   wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

   People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.

   WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?

   always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.

   How do you get wine stains off of a cat? Asking for a friend.

   Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots

   Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   Woke up naked and sweaty and I didn’t even get laid.

   No matter how much you shake your peg...... The last drop always goes down your leg.

   I have come to the conclusion, that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.