Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The weather guy said I should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, does beer have electrolytes? Asking for a friend.

   Bummer is being sick on your day off.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.

   I think I have alzheimer's

   Look, Do you think I'll now what's up in "Horny Neighbors 3" without seeing the first 2?

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   Ted Cruz beats Jim Kimmel (11-9) in Blobfish basketball classic game

   Who's your daddy takes on a whole new meaning in the ghetto.

   What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”

   Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge

   I identify as being "rich", but when the check comes, I'm identified as "not being so".

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.