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I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.
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02-26-2018 23:15 by
Jake
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At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
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02-26-2018 23:09 by
Jake
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After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"
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02-26-2018 17:17
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45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on
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02-26-2018 14:46
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Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
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02-26-2018 14:44
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I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically
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02-26-2018 14:42
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Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.
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02-26-2018 14:42
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Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed
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02-26-2018 14:39
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Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.
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02-26-2018 14:36
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Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic
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02-26-2018 14:31
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People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa
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02-26-2018 14:24
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Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more
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02-26-2018 14:23
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Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?
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02-26-2018 14:20
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Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
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02-26-2018 14:17 by
@kisstopher707
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Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern
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02-26-2018 14:14
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My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase
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02-26-2018 14:12
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The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
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02-26-2018 14:10 by
markf
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1
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All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"
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02-26-2018 14:05
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Just found on youtube the deleted scene from Sound of Music where the kids keep sneaking back downstairs to the party after being sent to bed
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02-26-2018 14:04
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My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.
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02-26-2018 13:27 by
Kisstopher707
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