snotty Funny Status Messages

   Lately, I have really begun to appreciate the versatility of the word "asshat".

   I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

   You should think about donating blood,,,,, All of it

   He was so creepy, his van had a basement.

   NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.

   *Buys a 3D printer... *With the 3D printer, prints a 3D printer... *Returns the origional 3D printer

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   Today, I found a potato chip that looked exactly like Jesus.. Then I remembered nobody knows what Jesus actually looked like... So I ate it.

   It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*

   Dear Mom & Dad,,,Summer Camp looks a lot like a WalMart parking lot.. Also,, Is it usually six months long?... Love Billy

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   ZOMBIE FART JOKE: Pull off my finger.

   911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"

   Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.... *If I ever forget my passport, this post doubles as proof of U.S. citizenship.*

   that a thesaurus in your pocket?,, Or are you just ebullient to see me?

   Amazon: If you spend $17 more dollars, we'll knock off the $3 shipping fee.. Me: You've got yourself a deal, Amazon.... Every- Single- Time.