Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"

   I farted in Wallmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now

   Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.

   You should be allowed to pet a dog without having to say a word to the owner.

   I don't wanna say my ex thinks her sh*t doesn't stink, but she sent a couple of her turds to Febreze suggesting they make an air freshener out of them.

   Fun fact: In Mountclair Ca. it's now illegal to cross the street while talking on a cell phone.

   Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

   Pro Tip: Dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like lavender rain drops!

   Guns are incapable of losing their minds... but people sure are.

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   29th Feb would have been an ideal day to get married.......imagine the money you can save from buying anniversary gifts

   Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store

   Ironically, the people you meet by accident are often the ones who become an important part of your life

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs

   Come to think of it I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 30 years now, that is 10,950 sit-ups and not even ONE ab to show for it

   finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.