Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.

   Thank you student loans for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

   Father inlaw: A priest who is also a lawyer.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   The definition of surprise: a fart with a lump in it.

   Gynaecologist: A female private investigator.

   We celebrate the 4th of July because citizens were armed.

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

   Not today, found a new serial killer documentary.

   I can count the number of times I've made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

   Thanks Obama, for making me rich, said no black guy ever...

   Dear Maw & Paw. I've been captured by the blue wave. They actually fed me, clothed me, got me medical attention, and teaching me to read. Total monsters.....Love, your son, Billy Bob.

   Anyone at the gym with no headphones on is training to avenge someone’s death

   Has he made America great yet?

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if he knew his descendent would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees you and your man bun.

   It's better for people to think you're a fool then open your mouth and remove all dout.

   Friends are like farts, the loudest ones always have the least substance.

   Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"