Funny Status Messages

   Did you know that smacking a bar waitress on the a$$ will get you a drink from the special menu ?..

   If you support open borders, then you should be fine with them living in your spare bedroom.

   I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.

   If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?

   I just assume every Italian person ever has met Rocky

   Your first mistake was asking her what she is thinking and your second was listening to her reply.

   I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops.

   If you wake up to pee, don't "take a second" to check your Facebook. It's a trap.

   it just me or has this World Cup been on for like 149 years?

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?

   Being constantly preached about things is no reason to hate a person or group of people.

   One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...

   You know your farts must really stink when you fart and your dog gets up and leaves the room.

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.

   Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.