Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...

   The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!

   Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.

   I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.

   If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

   "Did I ever tell you I played sport in high school?" - fat people

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.

   It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

   If illegals in California start using plastic straws, will they finally be deported?

   The moon’s so bright ya gotta wear shades.

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   At least good old Bill didn't have to pay for blowjobs and sex.

   What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."