Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   You take the blue pill, the election ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you dispute the fraud and I show you how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag..

   Cop jokes AREN'T FUNNY. So give it arrest..

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   Now I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   Grandkids just watched Cujo for the first time. Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later?

   You could have done so much better than him.” Me: Mom, hello I'm right here..

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

   My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite. Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks. And now the cops are here…..

   If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”