Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At my wedding the minister asked me: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I said I do. He turn and look at her then back at me and said are you sure?

   what do you call it when a mom orders combo #5? ...mombo number 5 (now you're singing it)

   Men.... Try role reversal in bed with your wife. And you have the headache for once.

   So I asked her “what is that alluring perfume you’re wearing “ and she says “OFF Mosquito repellent “ Gets me every time!

   So Wikileaks is real now, or did is the 21 russian hackers reported today fake?

   You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.

   When did no dignity and no respect towards other people considered acceptable to the public?

   What blood type does a pessimists have? ...... B negative.

   day 489 without sex: the demon I see in the corner of my room when I have sleep paralysis lookin kinda cute now

   Maybe if all 50 states legalized marijuana, we would all be handling this presidency much better.

   There's a Father Nature, too, but all he's responsible for is the temperature.

   Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”

   When the queen's butler announce that it was tea time. Trump said to the queen " Oh, You play golf too?

   I am 32 yrs old. I just googled what "Gluten" was. I had no idea.....

   Someone gave me a free pen without their knowledge today. Well, I took a pen.

   Hey YouTube, just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever ...

   "Just rewards: Being the judge that willbe judging a hearing of your high school bully."

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

   Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is

   What kind of psychopath scrambles their eggs in the pan rather than before they’re put in the pan?