Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   Sacha Baron Cohen's TV show, Who Is America?, is the greatest!

   When I was 10 years old, people that had over 50 seemed so old... wreckled... slow... I'm going to have 55 in a month.. it is not that bad! But people in their 90's look so old...

   Be careful if you are thinking of getting a rescue dog. My grandma got one and when she fell and couldn't get up. The rescue dog just sat there staring at her.

   Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...

   Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.

   The spectacle before us was indeed sublime.

   I wanna date a lady who has been through the worst,who has been lied to,cheated on,heart broken So that I can finish her off. 😒

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.

   At my wedding the minister asked me: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I said I do. He turn and look at her then back at me and said are you sure?

   what do you call it when a mom orders combo #5? ...mombo number 5 (now you're singing it)

   Men.... Try role reversal in bed with your wife. And you have the headache for once.

   So I asked her “what is that alluring perfume you’re wearing “ and she says “OFF Mosquito repellent “ Gets me every time!

   So Wikileaks is real now, or did is the 21 russian hackers reported today fake?

   You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.

   When did no dignity and no respect towards other people considered acceptable to the public?