Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy. Pack her bags and leave.

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....

   "Why is it that a insecure person(d.j.t.) needs to express their accomplishments that they never accomplished.

   Now that FIFA is over, it's time to get back to your own goals!

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   Sacha Baron Cohen's TV show, Who Is America?, is the greatest!

   When I was 10 years old, people that had over 50 seemed so old... wreckled... slow... I'm going to have 55 in a month.. it is not that bad! But people in their 90's look so old...

   Be careful if you are thinking of getting a rescue dog. My grandma got one and when she fell and couldn't get up. The rescue dog just sat there staring at her.

   Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...

   Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.

   The spectacle before us was indeed sublime.

   I wanna date a lady who has been through the worst,who has been lied to,cheated on,heart broken So that I can finish her off. 😒

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.