Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty.

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   I need ID to buy a case of coke now. Interesting....

   The British Navy was able to defeat the Spanish Armada because they knew how to get more miles to the Galleon.

   I got an email from Google Earth saying it can read maps backwards, but then I thought... That's just spam.

   I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   A three-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!"

   When she told you it was her first time, but then she hit you with the vacuum seal, double hand twist, gawk, gawk combo 3000.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?

   My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   A fifth of Jack will make any girl look sexy.

   Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.

   I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend

   Sorry I panicked and punched you when you invited me out for brunch.

   "Almond milk will now be known as white stuff from nuts."

   You know you should be proud of yourself when the biggest accomplishment you ever made was spreading your legs for your sugar daddy.