SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   Never fall in love with an a$$ man, unless you're prepared to offer him the moon.

   I like how the package for cotton swabs says don't put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"

   The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   Until noon tomorrow, I would like to be called only by my street name- White Chocolate Filling. Please update your records.

   Just woke up. Ice cream melted. Not sure where I am. Smells like basement.

   There aren't many passengers on this train of thought.

   Though accurate, "I Need Sleep Or I'll Kill You," doesn't have quite the same ring as "Beauty Rest."

   Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

   Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.

   I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.

   If I were a woman, there would almost never be a time when I wouldn't wear high heels or carry a gun. Or insist everyone call me Candy.

   When you think about it there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?

   There's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise.

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   I hate using an air freshener I really like in the bathroom. Cuz after awhile, no matter where you use it, its always gonna smell like sh!t.

   I guess I will call this little 9 song playlist "The Night I Got Drunk and Decided World Music was Awesome"