Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My house is so messy, I swear when I walk through the front door I hear the "Sandford and Son" theme song playing.

   I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence

   I get my revenge by sneaking into ladies public toilets at night and lifting all the toilet seats up.

   'Spread the joy' is an excellent way to ask someone to open their legs.

   The problem with natural selection is that it isn't killing stupid people off quickly enough.

   Anderson Cooper must have seen 'Magic Mike' this weekend.

   "I'm a virgin." B!tch please, the only thing on you that's virgin is your nose, and its safe to assume that's been fingered as well.

   If your boyfriend is pierced on both ears and wears earrings or as he likes to call them “studs”, then I am really sorry to inform you that he also has a boyfriend.

   Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.

   Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

   Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

   I'm at the point in my life where I can do what I want, when I want to do it and without answering to anyone. I call that point divorce.

   The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

   My woman calls me the UPS man, cause I deliver that package right on time. Or it could be because I wear ugly brown shorts.

   I once challenged Vanilla Ice to a Rap challenge and the loser had to be Vanilla Ice.

   I don't know why Sluts have a hard time Saying "No". They heard the word "No" everytime they asked their Dads for a hug.

   If you're doing it right there's no need for lube.

   My pool is safe for swimming again if you guys wanna come over. No way snakes can survive now with the amount of gasoline I dumped in it.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   There is no difference between an idiot and an educated person when it comes to doing irational atrocities in the name of religion.