Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told you people that Russia was up to no good. But nooooooo, you people wanted to be friends with them for some strange, idiotic reason.

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking

   Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   When a double agent goes rogue. At long last looks like Trump has turned on his Russian handlers.

   "I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting

   wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”

   Maybe I should have just gotten in the van.

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   Having a search warrant is not a break in .